Psychological Barriers to Prenuptial Agreements

written by Jim Duzak |

If you’re a member of the Boomer generation and you’re thinking seriously of getting married (or, more likely, remarried), you should also be thinking seriously of having a prenuptial agreement. They make sense for just about anyone getting married, and they make even more sense the older you are and the more assets or liabilities the two of you have accumulated.

Unfortunately, though, you probably won’t get one. Marriage researchers have estimated that only about five percent of couples marrying for the first time have a prenuptial agreement. In cases in which at least one spouse has been married before, the prenup percentage rises based on age, education, and financial resources, but still tops off at only about twenty percent.

In a future column, I’ll discuss some of the reasons why you should have a prenup, but today I’d like to discuss the main reasons why most couples don’thave one.

Probably the biggest reason is awkwardness. Because prenuptial agreements deal in large part with what will happen in the event of a divorce , on the surface it seems unromantic, to say the least, to be talking about divorce before the wedding. You want a prenup? Don’t you love me? (Prenuptial agreements can also be part of a comprehensive estate plan that addresses issues that arise after the death of one of the spouses. But death is about as uncomfortable a subject to bring up as divorce).

However, according to Arlene Dubin, a respected New York family law practitioner and author of the book ,“Prenups for Lovers”, a prenuptial agreement is an opportunity to tell each other everything, to expose your respective vulnerabilities, to work out differences in a constructive way, and, ultimately, to express trust and respect for each other. There’s nothing unromantic about that, Atty. Dubin says; in fact, it’s the essence of a mature love relationship. I agree. And there’s also nothing unromantic about going into marriage with your eyes open, your questions answered, and your doubts resolved. Keep in mind: shattered illusions and unmet expectations have always been a major source of marital unhappiness.

A prenup can also head off a different type of awkwardness that frequently arises when adult children are part of the equation. If you’re sixty years old and contemplating remarriage, your kids may worry—with or without just cause—that the person you’re seeing is a gold-digging con artist. Or you, yourself, may be questioning the motives of that aging Lothario who’s courting your widowed mother. Human nature being what it is, adult kids of any age may also be worrying that their future inheritance may be compromised by a parent’s remarriage. A prenuptial agreement allows the parent to address the kids’ concerns and alleviate their fears (although, as I mentioned, additional estate planning documents may be needed to nail down all possible inheritance issues).

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