written by Frankie Doiron |  

Written by Ann Robbins

How do you know if you’re getting into in-law trouble territory? If you’re already married, hopefully you’ve got healthy family relationships on both sides of your family. If you’re in a relationship and contemplating marriage, just know you’re not only marrying your future spouse – you’re marrying their entire family.

Recently, I’ve coached couples and singles, a, on this touchy topic. While we don’t want to look for trouble, we have to look for clues and signs early on that might suggest there could be future trouble in in-law territory. And, if you’re already in trouble territory, you know it’s not a good place to be.

So what’s a couple to do? How do we manage these relationships without alienating our partner’s parents or siblings? What do we do when trouble arises? Whose responsibility is it to handle the confrontations, remarks, butting-in, or boundary issues ?

Let’s begin with the end in mind. Ideally, your in-law relationships will be healthy and devoid of conflict or contests. This is what you should envision as the perfect situation – wow, wouldn’t that be nice? We know we don’t live in a perfect world, and no situation is perfect. Indeed, no relationship is perfect.

If you’re new in a relationship and are meeting the future in-laws for the first time, look for clues. One of the best ways to spot potential trouble is to observe how your partner responds to his/her parents or siblings. Do they over-communicate, sharing personal or private information about your relationship? Do they say things to you , “Well, my mother always did it this way,” or, “In my family, this is what we do.” Do they run to a parent or sibling when you have a fight, or even a minor disagreement, to get their opinion? If so, you’ve got some red flags that need to come down from the flagpole immediately.

While families are important and family relationships become a factor in your future life together, you are a couple and a new family is created when two people commit to each other. It is that family – your new family – that takes precedence over all. Have the conversation with your partner early on to be sure you agree.

But, suppose you’ve tried to keep things running smoothly and. in spite of your efforts, there is genuine conflict, or criticism, or butting in. (By the way, I define in-law butting in as someone giving you unsolicited and unwanted advice or opinion with the intent to alter or change the way you and your mate are doing or intend to do something.)

Here’s an example:

A client of mine, Sherri, is married to Andy. Andy’s mom, while meaning well, continued to make comments about Sherri’s full time job, asking Andy things , “Why are you ironing your own shirts? Why isn’t Sherri doing that for you?” or,...