written by Relationship Coaches |  

Dear Coaches,

My male friend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We’ve talked about marriage, however it’s not on our top 10 list right now and neither of us is quite ready for that.

We each have separate living arrangements. He owns a home and I live in an apartment. We live about 10 miles apart. We’ve been talking about living together. It would definitely be easier and would save a lot of time and money. Also, it would probably give us some idea as to how it might work out if we got married later. Before I make any decisions to move forward with this, I would to get some advice – pros and cons . Is it a good idea to “test drive” a relationship this? I think my biggest concerns are the “cons” – why you might think this would be a bad idea. Any thoughts?

Erin in Englewood

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Randy responds …

My general rule is “begin living together when you are within 6 months of getting engaged, and get engaged when you are within 6 months of getting married.”

Living together before you are ready to get engaged and married does three things that are bad. First, living together creates all sorts of problems such as dirty socks, financial issues, feeling trapped, taking each other for granted, etc., any one of which can break up a relationship that is not yet up to the task. Second, once you are living together, there is little additional benefit for the man to get married. Third, when you are living together it is very difficult to “un-live” together if things aren’t working well.

You have only been dating for 1 1/2 years. This is not long enough to have sorted out all the things that you will need to sort out before entertaining thoughts of marriage. Work on problem-solving skills together and spend increasing time overnight with each other, but hold off on moving in until you are sure this relationship is going to last. The final 6 months’ “test drive” should be just a ripple in the stream, not a major decision.

Randy Hurlburt | www.partnersinloveandcrime.com | 858.455.0799

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Liz responds …

The desire to spend money wisely is on most people’s agenda now. I applaud you for wanting to save money and for seeking advice on this very important issue.

Living together would take your relationship to a new level of exploration. This would give you some idea of how the two of you would function as a couple. In the event that the two of you are successful in the arrangement, I wouldn’t use this information as a green light that the marriag...

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