Since June is “ Effective Communications Month,” it’s a perfect time for Boomers to consider the challenges of effective communications within relationships, especially for those in a family caregiver role.
In my experience, being a family caregiver for a loved one can bring up a lot of old roles and the accompanying feelings. Family caregiving often brings out the critical parental voices from deep within the Boomer-as-caregiver.
Especially when I feel stressed, I can hear my voice sounding suspiciously my critical mother sounded to me during my childhood. I can hear myself venting my frustration on my husband who is afflicted with Parkinson’s.
The loved ones you care for often feel the powerlessness similar to what they felt as children. They revisit the child’s resistance and victimization habits. My husband resists mightily — in particular when my inner critical parent comes out. It’s often a painful and ineffective return to the toxic soup of emotions from the past for everyone involved.
The Essence of Life-Affirming Communications
Life affirming communication is the secret to being in touch with our inner knowingness. It starts with feeling our genuine feelings and being emotionally honest with ourselves and with others. Unfortunately we have so ingrained the cultural conditioning of “being nice” or “not making waves” that we are seldom fully honest with ourselves — much less with any one else.
Enhance Effectiveness with Life-Affirming Communications
Life-affirming communications start with a willingness to listen to the other person, to truly hear what they are saying without any judgment. There have been a handful of aides in the convalescent home where my husband resides who make it a point to stop and really listen to him. What we have observed is that when someone stops and genuinely listens to what he has to say, his shaking, a Parkinson’s symptom, abates.
The main key to life-affirming communication is for all parties to share and listen to their own and their partners’ feelings without judgment. Truly listening and being listened to are potentially transformative actions, especially when the parties involved can express their genuine feelings. Feelings are simply how we feel. Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply are.
Best Practices to Start Life-Affirming Communications
Start with three simple and doable practices to shift from life-negating to life-affirming communications:
1. Take it slowly, approaching the two-way, non-judgmental listening in baby steps so that neither person is overwhelmed. Start your new listening process with issues that are potentially less volatile or fraught with tension.
2. Add in pauses where both parties are invited to do deep breathing–inhales and exhales.
3. Commit to practice, practice, practice. Create an intention to make the shift to life-affirming communication, then create ways t...
