written by Judith Sherven, PhD and Jim Sniechowski, PhD |  

Perhaps even more important for Boomers — what is it that makes dating such a jumbled mess of painful mistakes? Certainly not a lack of trying. That’s far from the truth. And it’s not because you’re desperate. If that was true you would have married long ago . . . even if it was your first or fourth, you would have settled for the safety of marriage.

Instead you continue to search for that person who fits what you’re looking for, who makes sense emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually. So how do you find him? How do you find her?

The truth is that successful dating—dating you can trust, dating that will bring you what you want—comes down to one thing. Yes, just one thing. Connection. From the time you meet a new person, you either experience a meaningful connection —or not. The connection might be small. It might be a thunderbolt. But there is some sense of connection—or not.

Underlying most disappointment with dating lays a particular blind spot. That “or not” gets ignored, buried under the preference for fantasy connection which takes the form of:

“He’s just my type.”

“I’ve always dreamt of a girl just her.”

“I can’t wait to tell my girlfriends all about him.”

“She’s perfect, my parents will love her.”

“Sex has never been this good.”

And then, there’s always . . . “She’s so beautiful.” and “He’s so rich.”

What chance is there to genuinely connect when the man or woman or both are caught up in the trance of their own expectations, the dream world they’ve created around who the “right” one is supposed to be? What chance is there to see, hear, or feel who the other person is? Really is.

So What Is Connection?

Very often you can feel a connection when you first meet someone. You laugh at the same silly things. You share the same taste in music. And you both grew up in the same city. That’s the first stage of connection and it can be easy and automatic. Because it’s all about being a. And that’s usually enough to want to go forward.

But is it enough to create a deep, lasting connection, one that continually opens you to new depths of discovery, growth, and lasting enjoyment?

Not usually.

Because, while you may share many things in common, the richest, deepest, most rewarding connection comes through understanding, respecting, and being emotionally moved by the differences between the two of you.

That’s why, in dating, the sooner you can move beyond social pleasantries the better. Because when you meet someone and they genuinely want to get to know you—and you reveal your unique background, fears and joys, struggles and success—and they let you see, through an emotionally open and honest response, how you’ve impacted them—then, for that moment, you experience the basis for developing a relationship built on the willingness to connect.

Growing Your Connection

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