You Have the Power to Change, Beat Your Cultural Conditioning, and Be a Better Caregiver  

I’ll never forget the movie I saw a few years ago at the Redwood Caregivers Resource Center. In this movie, a woman who made dolls suddenly had to become the caregiver for her husband with Parkinson’s. I applauded her efforts to keep on pursuing her own interests. That’s one of the primary lessons of self-care for caregivers.

This doll-maker chose to keep her husband at home to care for him. The viewers saw the woman making her dolls and her husband sitting nearby. Then something happened. Over time, her husband became violent and shattered all the dolls she had been working on. The woman lost her work and with it, her will to live. She died before the husband she was caring for.

This was a potent lesson for me. First, it highlighted the importance for caregivers to maintain their own interests. And second, it emphasized the potential for disaster when the cultural conditioning kicks in, essentially telling a woman, “To be a good woman and caring spouse, you must keep your loved one at home”.

The “good woman/good girl” model is the root of cultural conditioning we get from our families and other institutions growing up. It’s not a healthy way to be — especially because it nearly always leads to cutting us off from our genuine feelings .

Feel your feelings to be a more effective caregiver …

Based on my observations, the polite, well-mannered “good” family is among the most powerful life negating experiences. Why do I call it life negating? Because it teaches us to bury our authentic feelings. Disconnecting from our genuine feelings in order to be polite and well mannered, we lose contact with our inner-self. When we lose that connection to our inner compass, we lose our inner knowing of what is right for us do. Then we’re left with blindly following the toxic patterns from a lifetime of this cultural conditioning.

You have the power to change…

It’s simple — but not necessarily easy. In essence, it’s time to get in touch with your genuine feelings , not what you are “supposed” to feel or do. This takes courage because you will be moving away from the comfort zone of “doing what you’ve always done” or “doing what is expected” by society, loved ones, neighbors, or family.

Most of us (99.9 percent, according to one hospice nurse I talked to) feel poorly about ourselves. It’s this early experience of being cut off from our genuine feelings that leads to all kinds of problems. We form negative perceptions about ourselves at an early age; then we just keep repeating the patterns. Dr. Bruce Lipton’s scientific research indicates that the root cause of disease is the negative perceptions we formed about ourselves as children — through no fault of our own.

How to escape the trap…

If we express feelings that don’t meet the expectations of what it means to b...

When First Mother-In-Law, Mrs. Robinson, moved with her daughter and son-in-law into the White House, the Obamas became part of a growing national trend.

According to a recent survey conducted for Home Instead Senior Care, 43% of adult caregivers in the United States aged 35 to 62 reside with their parent, stepparent or older loved one for whom they or someone else in their household provides care. The Census Bureau confirms this growing trend. In 2000, 2.3 million older parents were living with their adult children; by contrast, in 2007, that number jumped to 3.6 million. That’s a staggering 55% increase in just 7 years.

Several factors are driving this trend. Families are coming together to share family care duties for economic reasons and emotional support. Sometimes the senior needs care but in some instances, those seniors are providing care to their own grandchildren.

While there are advantages to intergenerational living , the situation does present some unique challenges. It is a big decision and should be approached as such. Emotional, financial, comfort and safety issues are just a few of the many considerations. This information and relevant resource was compiled with assistance of three national experts: Matthew Kapland, PhD., Penn State’s Intergenerational Programs extension specialists; Adriance Berg, CEO of Generation Bold and a consultant on reaching boomers and seniors; and Dan Bawden, founder of CAPS (Certified Aging in Place Specialists) program for the National Association of Home Builders.

After careful consideration, if intergenerational living is the right option for your family, Home Instead offers the following tips:

• Take a family partnership perspective. Everyone needs to be informed and to give input into the household arrangements.
• Avoid conflict upfront by working to ensure that family members see eye-to-eye about each person’s roles and responsibilities. These responsibilities range from the simple chores to the more complex financial arrangements. Will the senior pay rent? What will that rent provide? Will utility bills and groceries be shared?
• Make family unity key: utilizing routines, rituals and traditions that bring the family together. Find threads of common interest and build on them to develop activities that are conducive to building deeper relationships. Researching ancestry, ethnic cooking, maintaining family photos, family game night – these are all excellent ideas.
• Distinguish between private space and common space and make sure that there are clear and defined boundaries. Are bedrooms off limits? The family office off limits?
• Make sure that the home is safe and secure for a senior. This may involve adding ramps or retrofitting bathrooms with grab bars. Other things may be easier, but no less important. Are things within easy reach without the need to bend or stand on a chair? Are there fall hazards throw rubs,...

When thinking of the Fourth of July , the first thing that comes to mind is independence. Alzheimer ’s Disease, as well as other challenging diseases often threatens to take one’s independence away. One day you may be able to do something, and the next day you may not. However, you can continue to live independently during the early stages of the disease, as well as others, by making simple adjustments, taking safety precautions and having the support of others.

1) Get help with daily tasks. Give yourself more time and less hassle by using services that can take care of everyday activities shopping, cooking, bill paying and housekeeping.

2) Use memory aides. Labels, lists, notebooks, and sticky notes can help you cope with memory loss. Put important numbers by the phone, post reminders to lock doors, shut windows, turn off burners etc.

3) Take safety measures. Make home safety improvements , such as installing grab bars etc. Use appliances that have an automatic shut off and enroll in safe return program.

4) Plan for the future. At some point it will become too difficult for you to live independently. Make plans now for future care so your family can honor your wishes.

5) Take medications as prescribed. This can help to minimize symptoms. Use a pill box to organize your medications and write down on your calendar the times you are to take them.

6) Have a plan to get around. If it is no longer safe for you to drive, ask family or friends for a ride. In home care companies also provide this service.

7) Protect yourself from solicitors and fraud. Get caller ID and register on the do not call list.

8) Stay active. Continue with hobbies you enjoy. You will benefit from the mental and social stimulation.

9) Talk to friends about your memory loss. They may not know how “to be with you” after they hear your diagnosis. Talking will put them at ease and you will get their support and understanding

10) Get support. Ge...

During my years of being a family caregiver, it has been helpful to participate in several kinds of support groups. Based on my experience, people who have not been in the caregiver role do not have a clue about the amount and kind of stress that you are under.

In the area where I live, we have access to an organization called Redwood Caregivers Resource Center. (RCRC) They have classes and counselors to help caregivers in the process of dealing with all the issues and stresses of being a family caregiver. With California’s budget crunch, the organization’s funding has been cut by 70%.

The RCRC shared statistics that family caregivers who do not take care of themselves can die before the loved one they are caring for. Without the classes and support I received from this group, I would not have been able to move forward as a caregiver, to take care of myself, and to recognize when I needed to place my husband in a convalescent home.

As I grew up, the prevailing cultural conditioning said that a good woman was to take care of family members personally, and any thoughts about her own needs showed she was being selfish and uncaring. I did put my husband, whose health was failing, into a convalescent home without debilitating guilt, though my youngest son isn’t speaking to me and won’t visit his father in “that place.” 

The second type of support group is a gathering of caregivers and their loved ones, facilitated by members of the group. In our region, there’s one large group meeting monthly where organizers invite allopathic medical experts to present, usually about exercise, diet, or drugs.

In addition, there are smaller sub-groups out of the larger group. We gather at another monthly meeting to get to know each other, support each other, share specific issues, and discuss symptom progression. At times I find this frustrating — in particular with the realization that “what you focus on is what you get.”

I’m pleased to report, though, that this is shifting somewhat from the early meetings that my husband and I attended after his diagnosis. Now, it’s evolving into sharing alternative points of view that members know about. We as a group are looking for solutions that work. 

These groups help family caregivers to feel less trapped and not so alone. For 2011, I am creating a circle of family caregivers to create support for each other over the telephone. I’ve found that the cultural conditioning we all grew up with is one of biggest sources of trouble, not only for caregivers, but also for our loved ones. Based on my experience and observations, understanding the impact of our cultural conditioning holds the answers to our aging degenerative diseases. 

In this new group, we will offer support to people open to these alternatives and willing to explore buried feelings and discuss findings those of Milton Erickson. Erickson, an American psychiatrist and hypnosis specialist, (1902-1980) made the...