written by Relationship Coaches |  

Submittd by Frankie Doiron

Dear Coaches,

I work for a large multinational. My husband lost his job on Wall Street about two years ago and hasn’t been able to find work since. It hasn’t been easy for us – personally or financially. Recently, I was offered a position in San Francisco. My position in NYC is being eliminated, and the new position offers much more compensation which means we wouldn’t be challenged financially. However, my husband doesn’t want to move. His children (from a prior marriage ) are here. He’s still hopeful the employment situation will turn around.

This is a challenging situation. He’s even mentioned that maybe we’ve just come to an impasse – that perhaps we need to consider going our separate ways. We’ve had relationship issues over the years and things have become more challenging because I’m the sole breadwinner and he’s not feeling the best about himself or future career prospects.

If we don’t leave, I’ll be out of a job – then we’ll both be unemployed. On the other hand, I don’t want to move to California by myself – without my husband! Divorce seems extreme and I don’t think he really wants that and I certainly don’t. We do love each other. This is a trying and confusing time. Any advice on how we can make this situation work for us?

Laura from NYC

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Ann responds …

It sounds , from a career and financial standpoint, the job in San Francisco is a great opportunity. If you take it, your financial worries will be over and you will remain employed in a time when good jobs are hard to come by. If you don’t, you will not only be potentially hurting yourself, but will be setting yourself up for the perpetual “what if?” which will then breed resentment toward your husband.

What are your prospects of replacing your job in New York? Evaluate this carefully before you decide whether to accept or decline the new position. It occurs to me that declining a position, leaving both of you unemployed, is not a prudent option.

It is understandable that your husband does not want to leave his children behind, but perhaps unrealistic for him to think that after two years of unemployment he’s going to land a job that will solve everything. And if you go to San Francisco and the marriage does not survive, what then? He’ll still be unemployed and not have the benefit of your income.

He needs to decide what his priorities are – and so do you. It is possible there is no compromise here, but I would urge you to seek one. Perhaps a trial separation combined with some solid coaching will help you gain resolution. It is only a matter of time before resentment builds for one or both o...

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