Written by Lori S. Rubenstein, JD CPC

Are you one of the people who are scared to death to get involved again in a relationship because you do not know how to NOT lose yourself?

Lauren’s Story

Lauren was married for 22 years and has been single for 2 years. She feels she is ready to start dating. It’s taken her the last 2 years to get over the loss of the family, her role as mother and wife. During the marriage, she identified herself as “Don’s wife”.

Her job was to support his career, move the entire family with each career transfer, and be super-mom (she was in charge of every medical decision, transportation, purchasing and caring for clothing, meals, shopping, homework, school communication, sports and extra-curricular activities).

About 20 years into the marriage, Don began to express resentment over the fact that he was the only bread-winner and wanted to change their agreed-upon marital roles to some extent. Lauren could not begin to imagine changing that agreement, as she had absolutely no idea what going out into the workforce entailed. She was a housewife, she was good at her job, and she was proud of her accomplishments.

When they divorced, Lauren was depressed, terrified and confused. Who was she now? How would she make it on her own?

Well, all terrified newly divorced people, Lauren got up, breathed and took one step at a time and eventually she created a life of her own. She started taking classes at the community college and discovered, she was a pretty smart cookie! That helped her self-esteem. She even had a college professor flirt with her — another self-esteem boost.

With spousal support, child support and some money from the sale of their marital home, she is able to meagerly scrap by, but she is doing it on her own. She is finishing her AA degree and getting ready to go out into the workforce.

Your Situation

Your situation may not be as extreme as Lauren’s, but the feelings are still the same. She has worked hard to become independent and is scared to start dating because she does not want to fall back into the habit of being dependent on a man or just completely lose all she has gained. I think this is why so many women wait longer than men to get remarried. They are on a mission of self-discovery and do not want to go backwards.

I can tell you that when I separated from my husband, I remember going to the grocery store and standing in the vegetable isle, confused because I truly did not know what it was I wanted to buy. I was so used to buying food for my ex-husband that I forgot what I d independent from him. And I was a career woman with my own life, and yet I still lost myself in that relationship.

So, what do you do? How do you not lose yourself in relationship? Here are some guidelines:

1. Get rid of the negative demeaning verbiage that was used by your ex-spouse that you took on during the marr...