Did your relationship end abruptly or did it die a slow and lingering death? Was there one big dramatic explosion or were there hundreds of little nicks and cuts?

Perhaps you been at this same place before or perhaps it is you first relationship break up. Whichever it is, I am truly sorry; I wish there was some way that I could instantly take away your pain. 

Many time, the break up was caused by a fundamental lack of relationship compatibility. Some things and some situations just cannot be worked out – especially when it involves your core values. One of the keys to bouncing back from a break up is to:

Accept What Is

Sounds simple, and it is; but it is not easy. Sure, you can think about the time you were together and reminisce; yes there were some good times. And you might smile as you think of the good times. When it was in full swing, your relationship was truly a gift; it played a major role in your life for as long as it lasted. But here you are.

Don’t Look Back

Your relationship issues could not be resolved to the satisfaction of both of you. Now, given that, the key is to take stock of where you are. There is no going back; moving forward is the only viable option. What happened, happened. It is important to try to identify just where the break down occurred – at least the main one anyway.

Consider these four questions to help gain insights into your past relationship and see if these provide any additional clarity for you into the genesis of the break up.

1. Did you share common core values?
2. Did you share a common vision for the future?
3. Was your relationship in relative balance?
4. Did you have mutual respect for each other?

The answers to these questions will guide you as you analyze what happened and as you theorize why it happened. Some of the most common reasons for a break up are: sex, money, poor conflict management skills, and infidelity. The cornerstones of your recovery are being set by exploring these and other elemental dimensions of your relationship. So what do you think was the main cause of your break up?

Take the time you need to sort this out now; it might be a big help to you as you begin to negotiate your recovery. And it can be helpful again later on as you begin to contemplate dating and screening new potential soul mates.

Don’t Play The Blame Game

If there was blaming present in your relationship there is ly to be blaming in your break up. This destructive habit frequently creates difficult relationship problems. What role did blame play in you past relationship? So how can you avoid the destructive and ineffective blame game now? What steps can you take to help ensure that you don’t play the blame game in the future? And just how might you handle difficult situations differently from the way you handles them in the past?

First, in your recovery, it is important to note that the only person that you ca...

I constantly am reminding my patients of one of the most important commandments: Love thy neighbor as thyself. Why “to love thyself” is such a hard concept is beyond me, but we have all bought into “do for others –first.” We allow a most insidiously pathological emotion called guilt to guide our actions. Societal pressures compound this guilt. What we must press into our databanks is that if we cannot love ourselves, we cannot love another. Period.

Our lives must start with ourselves. Anything given to another while neglecting our own needs borders on martyrdom. A well-known practice on airplanes punctuates this fact and provides the perfect metaphor. What do airlines tell us about handling an oxygen emergency in flight? Put your own mask on first. Not your partner’s, children’s or neighbor’s. Take care of yourself first, then tend to others.

Martyrdom ils pathological and actually quite harmful to loved ones who might be receiving our constant care. When our children witness our harried demeanor and seething resentment about always being on call for them, they may well get the notion that motherhood stinks. Why not give your child the gift of witnessing you taking care of your needs? That implicitly gives them permission to nurtures themselves, and the sick pathological cycle of martyrdom will at last be broken.

Self-love includes the ultimate requirement for self-healing: forgiveness. Living with anger, vindictiveness and resentments serves no one. It’s no surprise that those negative emotions don’t ever nail their garget: they make rapid u-turns and boomerang right back to us. A Chinese proverb reminds us that if we’re going to continue being angry and resentful, we’d better dig two graves.

Betty Eadie’s, Embraced by the Light, speaks of a woman’s near-death experience during which she meets up with God. Up to the time of this encounter, the woman has lived an ordinary life with ordinary experiences...