written by Relationship Coaches |  

Dear Coaches,

I’m not a great communicator and that creates challenges for my wife who is much more skilled in that area. When we have disagreements, when we’re trying to work thru relationship things, I have difficulty feeling heard, expressing my ideas, etc. Because of that, I get defensive and either close down or get angry which just escalates into an argument. That, of course, doesn’t work well for either of us and leads to hurt feelings, regret for saying things we shouldn’t have and the .

I need a better way for us to communicate and I need to learn some better skills. I love my wife and I want her to be happy, and I know I need to understand what I can do to create a better situation for both of us. So my questions are — what can I do to be a better communicator, and what can we do, as a couple, to communicate better with each other? Thoughts?

Craig from Costa Mesa

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Bill responds …

Stop, in this moment, acknowledge your communication skills and start anew, right here, right now! Begin, at once, declaring what you want to be so for you. I see that you are already capable of doing this “wanting projection” when I read that you want your wife to be happy. Now do that for yourself — in this area of desire!

Do you want to be defensive, unheard, angry or closed off? I think not. Your natural desire is calling you to what you do want which is obviously the opposite end of those statements. It sounds you’re seeking to be easy going, heard, happy and open to your wife and others, as evidenced by you questioning this issue.

To achieve that, think, speak and see evidence for only what you do want. Each time you have the experience of or notice it not being what you want, which feels bad to you, catch yourself and think in that moment, “What can I think, say and do, right now, that will make me feel good?” If your aim is here, your world and that of your wife’s will alter in the moment and your communication will shift immediately as well.

Bill Paglia-Scheff | www.extraordinaryrelationship.blogspot.com

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Murray responds …

Communication between intimates can be difficult for even the best communicators when dealing with differences or relationship issues. However, we always have the capacity to script and direct our conversations productively, rather than do what is “natural.”

We will often shape conversations at work to have productive outcomes. Here are some tips:

• Approach disagreements as an opportunity for you and your spouse to learn, grow and get closer t...