written by Michelle E. Vasquez, NS, LPC |  

If you will just communicate more, your marriage will be better. Big, fat relationship myth. Why? Because you cannot not communicate. Everything you are already doing, that is not working, is a form of communication. Here are some ways couples communicate that makes their problems worse:

Nagging: repeating yourself because you believe that if she hears it more than once (or at least 100 times) she’ll be more ly to change what she is doing or do what you want. You are definitely communicating. But is it working?

Criticizing: you tell him how badly he has failed to make you happy with words that are barbs. Nothing he does is good enough. You make sure he knows it by pointing out everything he is not doing to your satisfaction.

Yelling: you want to make sure you get heard so you have an augmented vocal contest. You scream over each other until neither of you is heard nor do you hear your partner. All you succeed in doing is frightening the dog or worse, the children.

Silent treatment: and you think by not talking to each other that you are not communicating? Please! Your silence, along with your cold, icy stares (or your refusal to look your spouse in the eye at all) communicates very clearly how angry you are. You may even slam doors or bang things loudly to make sure your spouse gets the message.

I’ve listed only four ways couples communicate ineffectively; there are so many more. So, if more communication is not the answer, then what is? You got it: more effective communication , both in your words and your actions. The survival of your relationship depends on how you treat each other. Communicating how much you care is a step in the right direction.

You don’t have to talk until you’re too exhausted to communicate love and caring. Doing small gestures of kindness goes a long way to promote good will. Speaking words of appreciation to each other soothes anger. It...