written by Judith Sherven, PhD and Jim Sniechowski, PhD |  

Much of what passes as dating advice today misses the most basic and empowering point that dating can be a fun and rewarding practice of self-awareness and self-growth. If you are open to trying something different, your dating future can be a treasure trove of self-discovery and the source of increasing confidence with each and every date.

How is that possible? Consider this:

What if you determine your own sense of value rather than relying on what your date has said or done?

What if you could stand squarely and confidently in who you are now and who you will become in the relationship?

What if you kept sex off-limits until you were certain there was an established relationship in place?

For many women and men, those possibilities can seem far fetched, even ridiculous. Because sadly, most women have been taught that they need to “catch a man” by putting their best foot forward at all times — even if it means hiding behind a false front. And most men have discovered they need to protect themselves from this game, so they play the “bad boy,” never committing, never showing their true feelings, so they can keep the women second-guessing themselves.

Another dating “rule” for women is to make sure the man does the chasing because he’s “a natural pursuer.” So be sure to play hard-to-get and act aloof to draw him into the chase. But if he’s only interested in the pursuit, don’t be surprised when the pursuit — and the relationship — ends after he “catches” you.

And what do we hear from men? They’re sick and tired of always taking the first steps and trying to read women’s minds. They want women to be full partners in the dating process.

And then there’s the “truth” about a man’s ego. It’s fragile and needs to be upheld. And where does that leave the female? Vanishing herself so that she can “keep” him on a false pedestal he never asked for. .

When you set aside these recipes for false advertising and all-too-certain failure, you can begin to practice Smart Dating. No games. No lies. No self-sabotaging, self-defeating obsession with the need for a pre-determined outcome.

In fact, at the heart of dating smart you get to practice the emotional skills so necessary for the lifelong relationship you want. You’re showing up as who you really are. And you are speaking up honestly about where the relationship is going. That’s what a real relationship is all about, and it needs to ...